I am sorry I have not been writing much lately. I have been terribly self-conscious. With every post I have tried to write, I have stopped within the first few lines (or maybe the first paragraph) and erased it all because it was not good enough or it made me feel too vulnerable. I could not expose myself like that because then people would negatively of me for either my writing or whatever fault I was writing about. I could not escape it.
But I think it is important to. It is important to find a way to work through those feelings and do it anyways. It is important to find the words to express the feelings, the vulnerability, the shame, and everything. It is important move beyond the uncomfortable comfort of being self-conscious and staying to one’s self.
So I am going to be vulnerable. I am feeling so self-conscious that I want to hide under my covers and not come out. Maybe become a hermit or a crazy cat lady that never leaves her house. I want to avoid saying or writing too much, even in therapy. I want to stay in my pajamas so I do not have to get dressed and face that scrutiny, too. Simply, it is an all-encompassing fear.
The bright side of this whole feeling? I do not have to let it control me. I do not have to let it dictate my life. I can choose to be vulnerable anyways. I can choose to go outside of my room (dressed, of course!), write what I have wanted to write, or say what I feel.
And so that is what I am going to do. I choose recovery.