The Anniversary Day 2: Choosing Recovery

On what is to me the second day of the 5-year anniversary of my rape, I reflect upon my journey over the last five years.  It has been a hard fought journey of the days and weeks after being constantly reminded and replaying in my head the events of that night to these most recent months where I do not have those thoughts anymore but work through all the images, thoughts, feelings, etc. that are still stuck in my mind that have never gone away.  It is a journey that I finally see an end to after over four years of blaming myself, convinced it must have been my fault because those around me told me so and I told myself so because I believed everyone and I believed that I did not do enough to protect myself, as if I could have done something more.

It was not my fault.  I could have said ‘No’ a thousand times more and it would not have made a difference.  I cannot change what happened, erase it with magic or forget it somehow.  What I can do is work through what happened.  I can stop blaming myself, work through all the pain, anger and sadness, and find full recovery from this just like I am finding recovery from my eating disorder.  I can stop using the eating disorder to try and cover up all of the feelings and instead feel them.  I can choose recovery.

I fight through the pain and memories of the rape to finally find peace and find recovery.  I choose recovery over the blame, living in the eating disorder, and being stuck in that night.  I know recovery is possible and I will get there.  I will heal from this.