I was at the beach today. It was an ocean beach at the Puget Sound. Usually at the ocean I might put my feet in enough to walk in the sand and water and down the beach, but I never venture far into the water. I am fearful of what may be in the ocean. I am afraid of what could be lurking in the waters, especially and specifically because it is not clear. There could be jellyfish or crab, sharp shells or seaweed, or maybe even a shark! It is a complete unknown at times what could truly be beneath your feet. And that frightens me. Enough to keep me mostly on land.
But today, I walked into the water and kept walking. I looked at my feet and could hardly catch a glimpse, but I kept walking. Despite not knowing what was beneath me, I continued walking. I decided that my desire to be in the ocean amongst the beauty, solitude, and joyfulness was greater than my fear of the unknown and uncertain.
I realized at that moment that I do not know what is in front of me now either. My world is in a great transition and I am attempting to cope with a low point without turning to my eating disorder again. This moment and what is before me is a huge unknown and very uncertain. But I am going to keep walking. The unknown/uncertain is scary and unnerving but I can face it and overcome it. Just like the ocean, I can walk through all this scariness and be okay. I will be okay.
I have not written much in my blog recently, which makes me sad and disappointed. I had hoped that I would write in this blog at least every week and continue on the same journey I was on only nine months ago. A journey of continuous growth, positivity, and possibilities. As it happened, my life did not end up that way. The months continued on and I struggled to write and to participate in every day life. I tried to pretend that things were not as bad as they were as I struggled daily.
Things finally reached a breaking point recently. After seven months of being ill every day from my past eating disorder and other issues and being depressed for nearly as long, I decided things needed to change. I have been working to change the things that I can change while working to accept the things that I cannot. It is an on-going process.
Over the last seven months, I have lost a lot of hope, connection, and ability to participate in things I used to, but in the last several weeks, I have been slowly gaining it back. I have realized that no matter what depths I may enter or complications in my path, my world continues on and so will I. I will overcome what obstacle is before me, I will feel better, and I will be okay. This is not the end of my life, but simply a change in direction or a bump in the road.
This last week I have a new strategy for combating all of this grief and depression I am going through. Keep busy and keep going! I have been doing art projects on things like why I want recovery and who I am. It has been so healing as well as occupying. I have something to be proud of, something to do, and something that gives me some healing. How wondrous! I feel a little better with each project.
All of this will pass. It is all a part of being Bipolar and the cycles that I experience and it will end as they all do. And the being sick? It hopefully is already gone. I have not felt sick for over two weeks now thanks to a new approach.
There is always hope. If you are struggling, continue to hang in there. It shall pass and the sun shall shine again!