9 Goals for 2019

I am still young, but as each year passes, I feel as though time is speeding up.  I remember as a kid every year used to feel like an eternity.  What happened only a year prior felt as though it was several years prior.  I felt I had all this time and experience built up and that I could remember way, way far back.

As I enter 2019 a couple years into my 30’s, I am acutely aware of the passage of time.  Attending university again for my second Bachelor’s degree at a university with a traditional undergraduate student body has made me very conscious of my age and stage in life.  I am consistently reminded of this in my interactions with other students.  Our differences are sometimes very stark, depending on the student.

It is here at university and as I grow older that I feel the passage of time so acutely.  No longer are the 90’s 10 years ago.  Soon the 80’s will be 40 years ago and the 90’s 30.  The decades I was born and grew up in are growing older and older.  I can now finally say I can remember things many years in the past as my childhood was many, many years ago.

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This year will be a big year for me.  I am graduating with my second Bachelor’s degree in May in Digital Technology and Culture from Washington State University.  If my grades hold, I will graduate magna cum laude, but if I can raise my GPA .04, I will graduate summa cum laude.  Following graduation, I will be either on the job hunt or already into a new job and my partner and I will be moving back to the Seattle area.

As I have done with years past, I am creating goals for this coming year.  Goals that I do not necessarily have to achieve and that can change.  With all the changes happening this next year, I have several goals I want to achieve.

  1. Write – This is a consistent goal of mine, but I never seem to be able to find the time and space for writing.  I think this year will be different as my goal for my future career is content creation.  I want to build my portfolio more and write more, so I am hoping to write more blog posts, write more through paid gigs, and possibly write again for the student newspaper.  I have a lot of topics, I just need to finally write them.
  2. Planning – I want to start having more of a set plan for what’s next.  I have started to narrow down options and figure out more, but I want more of a concrete plan.  I cannot make certain plans too far in the future, but I do want to make as much of a plan as I can so that I do not get stuck wondering what to do next and get stressed out.  There are so many moving parts that planning ahead is the best bet.  Planning includes but is not limited to completing my portfolio, finding a place to live, finding a job, and planning for the move.
  3. School – I want to raise my overall GPA to a 3.9.  I am just shy at 3.86.  I believe I can do it.  If not, I will still graduate with high honors and magna cum laude (if my grades hold), and that will be an incredible accomplishment.  I want to graduate with high honors and I know I can.
  4. Body – It has been difficult to be kind to my body and practice body-neutrality.  I am surrounded by young adults who are still growing into adult bodies and my fat body sticks out.  It is hard to be the only fat person in the room as well as the oldest (minus the professor who is generally my age or slightly older).  I need to tap into that part of myself that knows that it does not matter what anyone else thinks and that knows and believes in health at every size.
  5. Organization – I need to do a serious overhaul of my stuff from here and my parents’ home.  I need to choose what to keep and what to get rid of as I move into a new stage in my life.  I am finally moving out of my parents’ house for good and I do not expect to be coming back.
  6. Job/Career – I want to find a job that I can start after university that I can either stay with when I move back to the Seattle area or can serve as a temporary position before I find something more permanent when we move.  I want to do something that I find enjoyable, is creative, makes an impact in the world, and would help me develop more skills and knowledge.
  7. Housing – My goal is to find a place that suits the needs of the family that my partner and I have together, which consists of our three cats.  I do not just want a place that suits my needs or suits his needs or allows our cats, but something that works for all of us.  It is likely a tall order considering we would like to stay in the Seattle area for at least a short while.
  8. ICED Conference 2019 – The ICED Conference I am attending is this March in NYC.  My goal is to really make the most of the conference and my time in New York.  I want to network, network, network and spend as much time as I can with the people I know and care about that I only get to see a couple times a year.  I am very excited for the conference and I really want to make a huge impression while I am there.  Add this to the list of things to plan!
  9. Self-Compassion – I doubt I am alone in believing that I am not worth as much as others.  That somehow others are better than me.  Other people get the jobs, win the awards, have the friends, the life, the whatever.  But none of that is true.  I am good enough.  I want to recognize those negative feelings and emotions and have compassion towards myself rather than judging or criticizing myself for a perceived flaw or failure.  I think this is one of the most difficult goals as I am so prone to automatically find fault within myself and immediately latch on to the negative.  I want to put a lot of effort into re-framing and self-compassion as this will be a year of a lot of change, which is always stressful for me.  I believe that I can do this.

I want to acknowledge that there is a goal that is not on the list this year that usually makes the list every year.  It is relationships.  I have struggled to find friendships outside of online friendships as friendships are difficult to find in adulthood outside of university.  Now that I am in university again, I joined a club this year and found a group of friends.  These individuals are all very kind and amazing and it feels really good to have some friendships outside of online relationships again.  I am not necessarily looking forward to graduating in May and making friends again, but I am grateful for what I have in this moment now.

Endings and New Beginnings

–I had written this post before, but it got lost. Here is attempt #2.–

Today is the last day of operation of FxMcRory’s. I am more emotional about it’s closure than I thought I would be.

I worked here many years ago as a food runner during Seattle sports gamedays. Located nearby the stadiums, FxMcRory’s is a popular bar and restaurant with over 40 years of operation. It has a reputation of being the tailgate location before games, especially the Seahawks, where the bar fills up by 9-10am and there are wall-to-wall people.

The years I worked here were very busy and when I was at my most ill. I spent many days struggling to make it through the up to 10-12 hour shifts with few breaks. I was anxious, stressed, and sick most every day I worked. It was some of the roughest years of my life.

But working here and those years in my life were not all bad. Between the stresses of my job and my eating disorder and anxiety, I also entered my recovery. I went from struggling to make it through my days and shifts to thriving and moving forward with the rest of my life.

This place, this bar, is my constant reminder of the struggle of where I started and the joy of where I am going. I look around here at this place and those memories and I am reminded that I have grown so much and I have so much ahead of me. Where I used to barely get by, I now thrive. This was the end of the pain and sadness of my eating disorder and the beginning of my recovery.

As it closes, I too close a chapter in my life. I am transitioning from the beginnings of my recovery into the next stage of my life–going to school again and getting a second Bachelor’s degree. I do not know exactly what is ahead of me, but I am reminded what is behind. I feel grief, relief, sorrow, and triumpth. I know that the past may have been difficult, but my future is here and now and I cannot wait to see what will happen and what I will experience.

A salute to endings and new beginnings! Goodbye FxMcRory’s and hello Washington State University and my future!

Gratitude: Change/Transition

I am regaining my ground.  I am connecting with others.  I have joined a group.  I have even cut my hair and styled it ever so slightly differently.  It is an all-around change to my life.

I was inspired after my last post at the ocean to begin keeping busier and start changing with the change instead of against it.  Amazing how much better that has worked!  I am actually enjoying some of the change (especially my hair) rather than dreading the lot.

Nothing is perfect, nothing ever is, but it is better.  Things are better.  For that I am grateful.  Grateful to be able to spend time with friends.  Grateful to not be sick.  Grateful that I have such an amazing support system.  Grateful that I am coping okay with these changes and transitioning better than I was.  Grateful that with change I am learning I can do anything and overcome anything.  Grateful that I am in recovery, for which I am always grateful.

Hopefully soon I will write a proper post with an update on what I have been up to.  Until then, remember that change is not the end of the world.  Change is hard and it really sucks sometimes, but it also can be good and you never know what it can bring.  Give change a chance?

Keep up recovery, warriors!