It has been far too long since my last post. I have been so busy lately with Weight Stigma Awareness Week, my job, therapy, getting prepared both mentally and physically for my trip to DC for the NEDA Conference that is now less than a week away, and various family obligations. I have had little time to breathe or take a break.
These last few weeks have definitely tested my ability to cope with stress and anxiety, especially without turning to my eating disorder or my OCD. Although I have managed to stave off the eating disorder, it is so much harder with my OCD at the moment. It is without the eating disorder that my OCD is so much louder. I am grateful, however, that at least I am doing better with a few OCD behaviors.
One thing that has especially been on my mind as of late is what I wrote for Weight Stigma Awareness Week. It has brought up a lot of emotions and memories for me that are not particularly pleasant. It reminds me of my childhood and all the comments that were made (even the ones I failed to mention) and of the time before and during my eating disorder. It reminds me of all those times of pain, sadness, loneliness, and isolation and only those few brief moments of some happiness and acceptance by my peers.
Of course, that is not the whole story, but my emotional mind goes straight to that as all the story is–sadness and pain versus happiness and how my weight must be a factor in it. It is hard for my logical brain to interrupt these thoughts and remind my self that this is not the truth and that my weight has nothing to do with me as a person and there were other things going on that effected my emotional state such as my bipolar disorder, which played a huge factor at the time. I wish it were as easy as knowing it in my heart and emotional mind as it is logically.
The memories, too, have challenged me. I have put some to rest, but others I have not. It is a work in progress to overcome the bullying as a child/adolescent and the ruined relationships as an adult in college. It is not as easy as “sticks and stones”. It is learning to trust others again; building new, healthy, and healthier relationships; and working through the pain of the past to move on to the now. None of it is easy.
I have a lot to work on at the moment, a lot on my mind. I can do it though. Always! 🙂